Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017) – Teaser

Outlook: Shamefully Poor

Directors: Joachim Rønning & Espen Sandburg

Cast: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom (rumored), Javier Bardem, Geoffrey Rush, & David Wenham

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales comes out on my birthday. May 26 has seen the release of many great summer blockbusters, including a few Star War films. Thankfully, this year I will be in India, where I will hopefully not be near a theater playing this movie.

Disney is really scraping the bottom of the (rum) barrel with this fifth installment in the Pirates franchise. The trailer proclaims that this is Jack Sparrow’s “Final Adventure.” I certainly hope their statement is true.

The trailer repeats the plot of the franchise’s predecessors: Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) running away from some half-dead man who is out to kill him. Javier Bardem’s character, Spanish Captain Salazar, could easily be exchanged for Geoffrey Rush’s skeletal-zombie Barbossa from the first film, or Bill Nighy’s mutated Davy Jones from Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End. Salazar looks like a mix between these two previous villains.

I would gladly open my wallet for Jack Sparrow if Disney put him on a different adventure. I thoroughly enjoyed the first film and liked the third one as they were different and fun. The second and fourth, Dead Man’s Chest On Stranger Tides, bored me because of their lacking plots, tired dialogue, and flat characters. I wanted to leave both. This movie, like those predecessors, looks fatigued.

The only part of the trailer that interested me was the introduction. I would love if this movie utilized a more historically accurate story instead of mystical elements and zombie villains. That would be a welcome change. Young Jack Sparrow looked like a stone-cold badass. I want more of him.

Sadly, it appears Disney is sticking to the formula that they know works. They’re even attempting to revive the Elizabeth Swan-Will Turner relationship without Kiera Knightley and Orlando Bloom. At least those two actors have the sense to stay away from a bad movie. It appears Johnny Depp either doesn’t care or needs the money to help maintain his stupidly opulent lifestyle.

I’m a HUGE Disney fan and I strongly believe it is a mistake to continue this franchise with such a recycled story. I hope that I’m wrong.

By Hagood Grantham

 

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